I Love My Female Friends
Having spent 8 years of my education in single-sex schools, making female friends wasn’t so much a choice as a necessity. It’s also one of the best things that ever happened to me.
One of my biggest irritations is when people say: “I’m generally friends with boys because girls are just so bitchy”. My immediate reaction is to assume that they must be hanging out with the wrong girls. There was a time when I had this mentality when I was 11 and moved from a single-sex boarding school to a mixed co-ed. Despite having had wonderful close female friends, secondary school changed everything. Suddenly it was all about who was dating who, and the primary currency was how many boys had a crush on you. After having spent two years in the boarding school bubble, roller skating around in ugly skirts without a shred of makeup on, I was thrown into the lion’s den. I went to school on the first day with my hair in a neat low ponytail, and by the time I came home my hair was down, my tie shortened and my shirt tucked in to show my waist. Suddenly ‘friends’ would throw in idle comments about your weight, or your appearance, or your makeup. Despite being far too painfully shy to have any interest in dating (I hid in the toilets many a lunchtime to escape a guy who wanted to ask me out, sorry David) most of our conversations revolved around which boys were hottest, and which pretty girls they’d date. When we weren’t gossiping about our classmates we’d fawn over male celebrities. The craziest moment was when I was going to a midnight screening of a Twilight movie with a ‘friend’. My mum was driving us there, and got out of the car at a petrol station to get an energy drink (and the resolve to deal with two 11-year-olds in the middle of the night). My ‘friend’ and I had a chat about snacks, which somehow moved to her telling me I “have no life” and slapping me around the face. Bewildered by what exactly had just happened, I stayed in silence and we went to the movie as though nothing had happened. Unsurprisingly, I only stayed at that school for a year before deciding enough was enough and moving schools (and houses) to South Wilts Grammar School for Girls.
The first day at SWGS I could tell that things were different. Everyone still wore questionable MUA makeup bought for a pound and rolled up their skirts as short as possible without being chased down by the Senior Leadership Team. However, the vibe was so wildly different. Doing well and being smart was suddenly a strength rather than a weakness, and the culture was founded on complimenting and supporting each other. Even as the new girl, everyone was willing to have a chat or tell you your eyeliner looked nice (I assure you, it didn’t). I quickly found a group of friends who I stuck to like a limpet for 6 years. There was no underhand comments, no competition, no sideward looks when you didn’t put your makeup on. Yes, we take the piss out of each other relentlessly, but when push comes to shove we’re there for each other 100%. A couple of months ago I’d planned to go home to Salisbury. It was only the night before I realised that I’d messed up my train ticket and wasn’t going to be home in time to go out with my mates liked I’d planned. One of my friends offered to drive all the way to London, pick me up, and drive me home. That’s a 5-hour round trip, by a newly qualified driver, just to get me home. I obviously told her she was being ridiculous and there’s no way I could make her drive that far, but the offer still stood. I know with utter certainty that if I have a problem anyone of my close friends will listen to me sob without judgement.
Most people argue that the reason girls don’t get along is that they’re in competition over boys. Although I do see some truth in that, I think it misplaces the onus of blame. In my friend group, the majority are lesbian or bisexual, yet there’s no competition between them over girls. It’s not the dating but the boys that seem to cause a problem. Kids are taught from near the moment they come out the womb that the opposite sex is for dating, not for friendship. Kindergarteners are asked “Aw, is that your boyfriend?” is they spend time with a boy, despite the fact that they’re 4 years old and are more interested in jumping in puddles than dating. Media always portrays the story that men and women can’t be friends, it always turns to more. The stigma of the ‘opposite’ sex still continues, and women are pitted against each other to compete for attention. Rather than teaching young girls that they’re enough on their own, we slowly condition them to need a partner. Not dating makes you a social outcast. I remember walking home when I was 11 and my friend saying “If I haven’t had sex by the time I’m 18 I may as well just die”. Remove boys from the equation and voila, there’s no longer a script on how you should interact with each other. Girls can interact naturally, without trying to fit the narrative of being rivals for male attention. You can hike your tights up in the middle of a corridor, go barelegged without panicking about stubbly legs or complain about cramps. There’s not the constant sense of being watched, being judged hot or not.
My friends have made more difference to my confidence than anything else. Year 7 destroyed my self-belief, and it took years for it be slowly rebuilt by the tireless support of my friends. The response to any self-hating comment was a chorus of enraged compliments. Rather than forming a weird shame circle with us all listing the things we hated about ourselves, we’d shower each other with ridiculously elaborate compliments. They’re nothing but affectionate and loving, and you can barely leave a room without everyone hugging you first. If I had stayed at my co-ed mixed school, I would have turned out wildly different. I definitely wouldn’t have the same self-confidence, and I’m also sure my academic performance would have suffered. There’s no way I would have started a school paper, or got the same exam results without the self-belief that my friends helped to foster in me. Looking back at my time in year 7, I’m sure things could have been different if I’d chosen different girls as friends, but more than anything I’m glad I left. I like who I am as a person, and I don’t think I would if I’d stayed. I’m driven by a desire to do good and make myself happy rather than to impress others, and it has overhauled my entire life. Let’s stop spreading this myth that girls are ‘bitchy’, and instead encourage meaningful and supportive relationships between women.
If You Liked This, Try:
The Anxiety Diaries: Body Image — Ode to Legally Blonde — Stop Stunting Your Boys: Toxic Masculinity
Originally published at https://assortedramblingsblog.wordpress.com on March 3, 2019.
